Your Old Crap Website | 90s Web Design

Dredging the internet archives 1996-2001 – Websites then and now

Archive for May, 2010

David Icke

Posted by monkeon on May 31, 2010

David’s site is currently dealing with Satanism, Vampires, his new book that has the main selling point “Nearly 700 pages, 355,000 words” and… oh, just look at the batshit keywords for an overview:

<meta name=”keywords” content=”David Icke, Icke, Conspiracy, Alternative News, Reptilians, 9/11, Conspiracy Theories, Holographic Universe, Infinite Love, Illusion, Infinite love is the only truth everything else is illusion, Bridge of love, UFO, UFO\’s, anti-government, Anti-blair, anti-bush, september 11th, truth, cover-ups, Princess Diana assasination, Mind control, MKUltra, Arizona Wilder, 2012, Mayan, Mayan calandar, religion, spirituality, Swine flu, Vaccination, David Icke Books, Official David Icke Website” />

David would probably also be worried by our robot overlord’s alarming suggestion of…

<meta name=”robots” content=”follow” />

In 2001, however, he based his website’s design (and to some extent, life) on the fictional film The Matrix…

Hmm, now do I click the blue pill and enter scroll bar heaven…

Or, do I click the red pill and enter animated gif hell…
(The amazing special effects do make it rather like The Matrix, I must admit)





So, David, I’m ready. Ask me the question…

Well, it’s not B (I like him)… probably not C (that’s Ross Kemp), so by default it must be A. Mad.

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Marvel

Posted by monkeon on May 24, 2010

Marvel have always had a lot of Shockwave games on their site, even though the Flash is DC Comics. (berdum)

On their new site, I’ve designed my own super hero…

In June 1997, there were lots of “Coming Soon” features, such as this school..

…and this games feature, in which the Hulk appears to be performing his classic pretend afro move…

However, by December 1997, a new site had been launched and many of these features sadly never appeared.

I’m showing you this new site with the images turned off in order to highlight their alt tag claim “Cool Animation”. A blind person using a screen reader could only imagine the sort of cool animation that the illustrators at Marvel might come up with…

Ho-hum.

The final thing of note on the Marvel site was their wonderfully informal intro and outro to their Terms and Conditions page…

The only problem with this is that you end up reading the serious middle bit in an affected Superhero voice. Personally, I read this in the voice of He-Man…

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Skittles

Posted by monkeon on May 17, 2010


The new Skittles site looks like an explosion in a Social Media Party. You really feel that no Facebook or Twitter based idea was rejected.

To be honest, if I’d like to see any party explode, it would be one full of self titled ‘Social Media Experts’ who get paid loads for telling companies that they need a blog full of ‘Comments(0)’ posts and a Twitter account if they are to be successful on the web.


Oh dear.  They should fix that.

Recently, you may remember, Skittles gave over their entire homepage to people who tweeted the word “Skittles”, leading to much sweary fun.

Kind of missing out on the idea of sponsorship being a one way street, in 1998 they gave their entire site over to NASCAR as they’d just sponsored a car…

I assume that was the case, anyway, as looking at the site it seems more like NASCAR sponsored Skittles.

16th – is that good?

If I was them, I’d have sponsored Gay Pride and tried to make out that every rainbow flag was an endorsement for their sweets.

A proper racing driver moustache, there, though it’s a shame that it’s not iridescent, having been stained by all the Skittles he’s been eating.

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Peter Kay

Posted by monkeon on May 10, 2010

Peter Kay’s new t’internet (LOL) site is very brand concious, full of calls to action to buy DVDs, books and gig tickets. It even censors the word “piss” in the flash pre-loader so not to offend any potential clients (fans).

I *think* the joke is that the length of time it is taking to load is a piss take. It took 5 seconds.

Even the “freebies” section is just a link to him reading a chapter from his book in order to encourage people to buy it.

The joke to advert ratio is about 50:1.  However, it didn’t used to be this way. In 2001, Peter’s website was run by a friend of his..

He was far more interested in t’internet (LOL) technology than selling you things. Or, to be honest, even in Peter Kay himself.

Look at some of these amazing irrelevant features…

1) Java Fireworks

2) Midi Mania

I like the fact that, despite Peter’s act being mostly about nostalgia, Alice DeeJay (at the time) was a new song.

3) Answerphone messages

4) Fun Factory.

Dear Peter,
Here’s my joke. “Loading.. Still loading… P**s take!!”
love, Richard

Lastly, I don’t like to leave a blog post without an animated gif so, here you go, have a rainbow update news…

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Club 18-30

Posted by monkeon on May 3, 2010

I’m not sure if they’ve undergone a change-of-style, but the current Club 18-30 website doesn’t actually mention vomiting multi-coloured sick, single sex packs of misogynists “on the pull”, showing your arse to late night ITV cameras or all the “fun” drinking games that only appeal to people incapable of conversational depth anywhere.

In fact, it kind of looks like a normal models-on-a-beach holiday site where you might book a holiday to relax, rather than to descend to one of the circles of hell.

I do quite like the FAQ where some bright spark has realised that they may sell more holidays if you increase the age range to 17-35, kind of defeating the concept and branding of the company and preventing me being able to get annoyed about being excluded from something I wouldn’t want to do anyway.

No such confusion in the 2001 version of the site, where the aim was clearly to market it squarely at crapulous fools…

We are welcomed to the site by this pulsating pink plectrum of a logo, and by a repeating sound effect of a surprisingly slow heart beat (which, despite sounding a bit like someone wafting cardboard, just reminds me of the way a heart beat is commonly used in cheap horror films to depict fear)…

It’s the first website I’ve found since Peter Stringfellow’s to have a warning message before we enter.  What must we be cautious of?

So… although 90% of the site is dull advertising, let’s seek out this fun content.  I have a surprisingly low tolerance of fun, so what will make me explode?

Fun 1: Shouting! Tits!

This is from their “fit models search” where entrants must send a picture of themselves in swimwear, presumably for the middle aged managers at Thomas Cook to ‘judge’ over.


Fun 2: If three exclamation marks in a row is the correct grammar to use to signify that the author is a moron, what does four mean? IT MEAN IT BE THE BEAT FUN!!!!!

I wonder if, like the film, the Boogie Nights evening starts off exciting and slowly descends into a nightmare of drug abuse and prostitution?

Fun 3: Everything that was wrong with the late 90s  is encapsulated in this sentence:

Fun 4: The “Run up the sand and round the pole.” game.

Sadly, this game wasn’t archived but I can only imagine it is as much fun as the real thing (ie no fun).

The thing that bugs me most, though, is this introduction (they use 228 words to describe a game which could be adequately explained in a text message)

– No, no we haven’t “all done it”. If someone suggested to me that we do that, then I would probably attempt to drown them in the nearest duck pond.

*FINALLY EXPLODES*

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